Good evening. Morning, rather.
I've not posted in a while. I know. I'm sorry, I got carried away living. Scary, isn't it?
Why judge people upon our first impression? It is inevitable yet what makes us think that just because someone is this or that is really who they are. Aren’t you wearing a mask? You will probably think you aren’t. Think about it though, how you, are you? So you shave? So you wear make up? Do you go to expensive shops to buy clothes you like? And why do you like them? Is it because you just like them or is it because you’ve seen someone else wearing something similar? Or maybe you’ve seen a model wearing it in a commercial? And even if you just like it, where did your style come from? Was it your mother who impregnated your brain with the idea of binary opposition? On the other hand, if you don’t care about fashion nor style (and those are two entirely different things) because you have more important things to worry about than fabric… what you wear is how people perceive you, does that mean that you don’t care what people think about you? Good. But then you might get judged on your lack of care on your visual image. And the circle closes - you cannot escape it. But why judge?
I used to judge a lot. And then I looked at myself and what I saw on the outside does not reflect what I am inside at all. I wear a lot of black. I love black. When I go out and want to look hot I wear black and put bold make up on. When I’m upset I put black on and then leave the make up plain. When I don’t give a shit, I put black on anyway.
My mother looked at me while I was asking why people screw me over all the time. She said that the way I look and present myself makes me look like I’m not a person to fuck with and I don’t look like the caring, loving and fragile person that I am. And maybe I don’t want people to perceive me as who I really am so that I don’t get hurt. But by putting the mask on I attract a certain type of people who do hurt me because as they get to know me better they realize I’m not what they were hoping for. They wanted the ‘mean bitch’ that I present myself to be. Reckless, isn’t it? Why not just dress like ‘me’? That’s a difficult question though. Who am I? What would I have to wear in order to be me? I don’t enjoy myself colorful. I like being plain and bold. I’m not plain but I don’t crave patterns. I like looking at them but I wouldn’t want to wear them because I would feel like I look like a clown. Who would I be if I changed the way I looked? Who am I? Who are you? Who really are you?
I’m trying to find myself but it’s really difficult. I was meaning to call the “Pilot” – ‘The Ice Lady Returns’’. I want to be cold and mean –careless, like I used to be - but it’s all so difficult. Later on about that, it’s another rant topic worth a new post.
Don’t judge. We all look how we look for many reasons that are too deep to dig out. You don’t know who you are, do you? Ask yourself. Who are you?
I will post a thought on the inner layer soon.
Thank you :)